"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Time wounds all heels."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."