"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Time wounds all heels."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."