"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Time wounds all heels."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."