"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"