"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Bury me next to a straight man."