"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."