"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Bury me next to a straight man."