"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."