"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."