"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Bury me next to a straight man."