"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Time wounds all heels."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."