"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."