"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."