"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Time wounds all heels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."