"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."