"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"