"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."