"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."