"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Time wounds all heels."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."