"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."