“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar