“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown