“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield