“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White