“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler