“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown