“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie