“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid