“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher