“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope