"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson