"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher