“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown