“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry