“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy