“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez