“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg