“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras