“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.