“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry