“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.