“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.