“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.