“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg