“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud