What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”