What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
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