It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Knock knock.
Come in.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
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