What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)