The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

"The Vulture"

The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.

His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!

– Hilaire Belloc

Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."