Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight

(Jan Allison)

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole