There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Go to BabaMail
