I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”