People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
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