Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
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