How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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