There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

"Trouble"

Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.

– David Keppel

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind

(Anonymous)

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.