A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
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