Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
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