There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Him: Awww, of course!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'