What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
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