Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.