Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.