You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

"Slicing Salami"

The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!

– Denise Rodgers

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.