This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
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