How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
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