Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
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