Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.