Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
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