How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.