How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
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