Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
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