People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
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