Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
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