When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
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