What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.