What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
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