What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
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