When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
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