What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
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