How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
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