Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
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