A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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