What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
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