How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
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