I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
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