What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.