"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous