"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo