If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!

(Jan Allison)

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?

- Jim Slaughter

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.