Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
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