“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
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