When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.