"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
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