It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
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