"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!