If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
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