Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

First you got an alligator.

Next came a giraffe.

Lions ride your elevator,

bears hide in your bath.

Bunnies,

chimps,

(a duck?),

raccoons.....

run amok through all your rooms!

Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!

(Lycia Harding)

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!