Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.

Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.

I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!

(Unknown)

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night

From hells realm
Making me take flight

I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser

Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits

They were no defence
Against evil spirits

- Paul Curtis

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.