No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
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