I bet you I could stop gambling.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
You know what they say? Words.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
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