There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.