We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
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