Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”