"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

"Family Love"

A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.

– Alison Jean Thomas

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley