Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
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