There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

"Sweet Misery"

When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!

— Susanna Rose

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light