Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.