It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Go to BabaMail
