One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.