Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

"The Vulture"

The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.

His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!

– Hilaire Belloc

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!

I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!

Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

(By Demecia Dean)

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”