Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
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