How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
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