Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.