"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

"Slicing Salami"

The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!

– Denise Rodgers

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.