A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
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