It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''

Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''

''Open the bloody bag!''

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!