Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.