There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!