Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.