Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
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