What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas