Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg