What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
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