You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
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