Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users