I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.